Like A Wrecking Ball
Posted in Uncategorized
Leave a comment
Like A Wrecking Ball
On the first anniversary of Joe’s death I was somewhat relieved. I felt like I had run a 365 day marathon. I was certain I should find people waiting at the finish line so I could bust through the winners tape and receive my gold medal. It was an accomplishment in my mind and I wanted some recognition.
Joe had fervently asked me to not sell our house for a year. It didn’t make sense to me to live in a house that was too big for two people much less one and yet I did. During the last weeks of his life he was making lists for me and at the top of each list was “wait one year before you sell the house.” In the wee hours of the morning when it was just him and I and no other care givers he would quietly tell me not to sell the house for a year. I felt compelled to honor his request since it was obviously so important to him.
The second year was spent taking this large house and condensing it down to 500 square feet of living space and then adjusting to living in such a small place. At first I felt like I was camping. I would have to remind myself each and every time I parked my car on the street and walked into my tiny apartment that this was my home now. I repeated it over and over again….”this is where you live…this is your home.”
Today is the third anniversary of Joe’s…I never know what to call it…passing away…death…home going. That all sounds too pleasant when actually it feels like this; the third anniversary of the worst day of my life where my husband who was gasping for breath was finally released from his diseased body and was probably the most surprised human being when he opened his eyes to see Jesus face to face and realized that grace is just what the song said…amazing!!!
(One day I will share with you why he was surprised but until then you will just have to trust me…he was surprised!)
Today is the third anniversary and it feels harder for me then the past two. Maybe I was busier trying to adjust and survive. Maybe I realize once and for all that he is never coming back. Maybe it’s the realization that it has been three years and I still have not started a new life and I have no clue as to what that should or could be for me. Maybe the world is just to scary and I don’t want to be here alone anymore. Probably it is all of these things and more.
All I know is this, I feel like a wrecking ball has hit me in my gut and I should be walking bent over because the pain is drawing me into the middle of myself. I feel like I should be kept in a cage with a warning sign saying…”stay back..wounded animal..will bite.”
I know that tomorrow will be better than today so hang in there with me people.
In the mean time I will hold on to the only thing I can…these truths;
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 73:23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
This list could go on and on and I encourage you to look some of them up yourself…especially if you too have been hit by a wrecking ball recently.
Posted in Uncategorized
1 Comment
I Had To Say Goodbye….
There were people in my life that were just dragging me down. If truth be told they were sucking the life right out of me. It was like a black hole in the universe, only it was a black hole in me. A simple definition of a black hole is; a region in space where the pulling force of gravity is so strong that light is not able to escape. Yes, that is exactly what was happening to me. The gravitational pull towards these people was so strong that the light in me was no longer visible.
You notice I didn’t say the light in me was put out or dimmed or gone or diminished, because that simply isn’t true. The light in me is Jesus Christ and even though that light might not be visible due to my black hole situation, He is still very much alive in me.
So who are these people that are doing this to me you ask. Well they live in the secret land called Xfinity in a small box on a shelf in my living room. They are loyal to the bone, with one click they never fail to appear. I call… they come…instantly and for three years they have been my very faithful companions. They started out quite innocently as noise; voices to drive away the deafening silence.
There is something that happens inside of grief that is quite dark, almost like an all encompassing fog and you cannot see your way out. Which is how I got drawn into life with my two dimensional companions. There they were, like the warm glow of the lights in the window of a sweet cottage in a Thomas Kincaid painting. Only the warm glow was the a flickering light in the living room calling to me all day and all night.
It started with the familiar voices of the friends that Joe and I had made together, all the hard hitting crazy guys who were fishing the Bering Sea for that illusive King Crab. Then would come the call to Outwit, Outplay and Outlast with our good friend Jeff Probst. We can’t forget our favorite Dr who has a concierge practice in the Hamptons. And how many friends that we loved and were routing for as they raced around the world only to hear those heart breaking words…”I’m sorry but you have been eliminated.” Of course our hearts together were stolen by Julienne and Derek Hough….we waited on the edge of our seats just to hear…”from Len a 10″. I will have to admit that with that group Joe was more likely to be found taking a nap while I cheered Apolo Ohno to Mirror Ball victory.
When the fog rolled in I turned to these voices and held on with both fists to the remote that controlled the volume and the one that changed the channel. Quickly I reacquainted myself with old friends that had been forgotten like Josh, Jana, John David, Jill, Jessa….all the way down to Josie. I fell in love with the Sister Wives and thought how nice it would be to have a sister wife or two. If Cody dies those women still have each other. I’m telling you it was looking mighty good for awhile. I watched Jen and Bill adopt Will and Zoey.
I had to ditch a few of our old friends because the setting was just too painful. I no longer had the heart to watch House beat up his co-workers and let’s face it Meredith and McDreamy had to go, it actually caused anxiety to see those hospital hallways.
My medical terminology was replaced with all the things you look for in a house. I love tray ceilings…who knew…but I think I can live without the granite counter tops. I found myself longing for a soaking tub but not caring at all if the bathroom has a double vanity. Then of course who wouldn’t live in anticipation of what can be made from a beef tongue, kale, chocolate sauce and gummy worms and the least favorite of course of those dishes heard the dreaded words “I’m sorry but you’ve been Chopped.” I still find it sad that Joe never met Phil or Si Robertson.
While in the beginning they brought comfort and seemed to chase away a little of the sadness, in the end I thought I couldn’t live without them. I found I had given them too much of mind, my body and my soul. That is when I knew that I had to listen to the still small voice that was calling me back.
I unplugged the box that housed all my friends, I pulled the wires and wrapped up the remote. I am a little embarrassed to admit this but I cried at the UPS office when I took the equipment in to be shipped back to the Mother Ship called Comcast. The poor clerk asked me why I was sending it back, “was it broken”, she inquired? Without any warning it came pouring out like projectile vomit… all over her… my story of how my husband died and I sat down and three years went by and I have to get off the couch or I will just die there and surely that isn’t what God intends for me, surely He has a better plan then having someone prying the remote from my cold, chubby, dead fingers. Poor woman had no idea what hit her but she got it…I knew she got it when I heard her say….as I was leaving…”good for you, you did it!”
Posted in Uncategorized
4 Comments
Lesson Learned
When I sold my house and moved into a small apartment I made an extravagant purchase, a tiny dishwasher. A tiny dishwasher did not come with a tiny price tag, which is why it was such an extravagant purchase. So you can imagine my dismay when I opened it this morning to put away my clean and sterilized dishes and found them dripping with water and still dirty.
I calmly poured a cup of coffee, took it to my room and before my bottom hit the chair a thought popped into my head….”check the manual”. I keep all my manuals to all my appliances in one drawer so I found it easily, flipped to the second page, looked at the settings and realized the knob had somehow been turned to rinse only. One quick twist back to wash and voila’ problem solved, the dishwasher is running smoothly as we speak.
If only all the problems of life could be solved so easily.
I will confess that since Joe has been gone, my typical response to this problem would have started with fretting over the cost of the dishwasher and how it didn’t last much past a year and how much will it cost to have it repaired and who will I call to come look at it to see what could possibly be wrong….this would be followed by a lot of wringing of hands then a Facebook post or two and a couple of agonizing tweets…a quick visit to Pinterest, a jump on to Amazon, then a few phone calls to get even more opinions so I can then begin the fretting process all over again. This time over all my many choices of possible solutions. {{ heavy sigh }}
After all that angst and wearing myself to a frazzle I will be so worn out I collapse, then I hear;
“{Glenna} Are you tired? Worn out? {with all your fretting,} Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. {Really Lord?} I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matt 11:28-30 (the Msg.)
Yep….lesson learned….check the manual first!
Amen sweet Jesus…Amen!!!!
Posted in Uncategorized
1 Comment
JUST DO IT!
When my husband was diagnosed with cancer I kept an ongoing journal which I shared via email with family and friends. My motivation was to keep everyone informed and to have as many people as possible praying. I started getting feedback telling me I should write a book.
I would play around with the thought as I sat in one hospital room after another. I would fantasize sitting on the sofa next to Oprah with just the appropriate level of sorrow and humility as she read portions of my book to the world and shed a tear herself all the while telling me how my words transported her into the moments where I bravely soldiered on as Joe’s selfless caretaker. {{heavy sigh}}
Then something would interrupt this day-dream and I would be transported back to the moment and remember who and where I really was and I would shake my head and chuckle. You see, I have never believed in myself. If only I could see in me what others see….then maybe.
No! That is not the answer. Trying to see myself as others see me is dangerous business and as fickle as the weather. I need to see myself as Jesus sees me and that is my goal for 2015.
If I can see myself as the precious child with all the gifts and talents afforded a daughter of a King then my future has hope and possibility. Will I write a book…who knows??? Let’s just start with this blog and see what happens!
Posted in Uncategorized
4 Comments
Joy in the Journey 