There were people in my life that were just dragging me down. If truth be told they were sucking the life right out of me. It was like a black hole in the universe, only it was a black hole in me. A simple definition of a black hole is; a region in space where the pulling force of gravity is so strong that light is not able to escape.  Yes, that is exactly what was happening to me.  The gravitational pull towards these people was so strong that the light in me was no longer visible.

You notice I didn’t say the light in me was put out or dimmed or gone or diminished, because that simply isn’t true. The light in me is Jesus Christ and even though that light might not be visible due to my black hole situation, He is still very much alive in me.

So who are these people that are doing this to me you ask. Well they live in the secret land called Xfinity in a small box on a shelf in my living room. They are loyal to the bone, with one click they never fail to appear. I call… they come…instantly and for three years they have been my very faithful companions. They started out quite innocently as noise;  voices to drive away the deafening silence.

There is something that happens inside of grief that is quite dark, almost like an all encompassing fog and you cannot see your way out. Which is how I got drawn into life with my two dimensional companions. There they were, like the warm glow of the lights in the window of a sweet cottage in a Thomas Kincaid painting. Only the warm glow was the a flickering light in the living room calling to me all day and all night.

It started with the familiar voices of the friends that Joe and I had made together, all the hard hitting crazy guys who were fishing the Bering Sea for that illusive King Crab. Then would come the call to Outwit, Outplay and Outlast with our good friend Jeff Probst. We can’t forget our favorite Dr who has a concierge practice in the Hamptons. And how many friends that we loved and were routing for as they raced around the world only to hear those heart breaking words…”I’m sorry but you have been eliminated.”  Of course our hearts together were stolen by Julienne and Derek Hough….we waited on the edge of our seats just to hear…”from Len a 10″.  I will have to admit that with that group Joe was more likely to be found taking a nap while I cheered Apolo Ohno to Mirror Ball victory.

When the fog rolled in I turned to these voices and held on with both fists to the remote that controlled the volume and the one that changed the channel. Quickly I reacquainted myself with old friends that had been forgotten like Josh, Jana, John David, Jill, Jessa….all the way down to Josie. I fell in love with the Sister Wives and thought how nice it would be to have a sister wife or two. If Cody dies those women still have each other. I’m telling you it was looking mighty good for awhile.  I watched Jen and Bill adopt Will and Zoey.

I had to ditch a few of our old friends because the setting was just too painful. I no longer had the heart to watch House beat up his co-workers and let’s face it Meredith and McDreamy had to go, it actually caused anxiety to see those hospital hallways.

My medical terminology was replaced with all the things you look for in a house. I love tray ceilings…who knew…but I think I can live without the granite counter tops. I found myself longing for a soaking tub but not caring at all if the bathroom has a double vanity. Then of course who wouldn’t live in anticipation of what can be made from a beef tongue, kale, chocolate sauce and gummy worms and the least favorite of course of those dishes heard the dreaded words “I’m sorry but you’ve been Chopped.” I still find it sad that Joe never met Phil or Si Robertson.

While in the beginning they brought  comfort and seemed to chase away a little of the sadness, in the end I thought I couldn’t live without them. I found I had given them too much of mind, my body and my soul. That is when I knew that I had to listen to the still small voice that was calling me back.

I unplugged the box that housed all my friends, I pulled the wires and wrapped up the remote.  I am a little embarrassed to admit this but I cried at the UPS office when I took the equipment in to be shipped back to the Mother Ship called Comcast. The poor clerk asked me why I was sending it back, “was it broken”, she inquired? Without any warning it came pouring out like projectile vomit… all over her… my story of how my husband died and I sat down and three years went by and I have to get off the couch or I will just die there and surely that isn’t what God intends for me, surely He has a better plan then having someone prying the remote from my cold, chubby, dead fingers. Poor woman had no idea what hit her but she got it…I knew she got it when I heard her say….as I was leaving…”good for you, you did it!”